Or: If Your Open Source Business Model Involves Lying About the Size of Your Software's Dick, Stop It. For Your Grandma's Sake.
In which I cry fail, and throw Jolicloud and Fedora under a bus to back it up.
Lies, Damn Lies, and Blog Premises
So... Jolicloud Linux is stable. It hit version 1.0 last year, and that means it's a solid product. You can ship it now. You can install it as your operating system. You might love it, you might hate it, but one thing is absolutely a fact: this software is Ready for Prime Time.
How can you be so sure? Well, come on! It says 1.0 right there! That means stable and done!
Oh... there are still people out there who didn't get that memo? Oh. Let me set them on fire with my blog, that always fixes things.
Your Grandmother Knows What 1.0 Means, But You Don't
Hello, GNU/Linux, welcome to the real world. You will find this place largely familiar, but there are some important differences you need to be aware of.
We've been looking forward to your arrival, and that's why projects like Jolicloud, and products like Ubuntu, are very exciting here. Our grandmas and a good-sized number of people who prefer natural sunlight all want to be rescued from The Matrix so we can more-equally enjoy the fruits of the 21st Century.
However, these people are a bit different than the crowd you ran with back in Usenet Land in the 1970s and 80s. We've seen it time and again: you quirky Open Source people and your educational approach to software. It's very endearing, and please don't ever change. But there's a recurring language disconnect, we've noticed, and it's important we address that. Together.
Quite a few of you - we'd like to give the benefit of the doubt and say "most" - already know this issue very well. In fact, it was your camp that invented this standard that we call "Conservative version numbering." We love it. It's so clear and simple. At the risk of insulting your intelligence, which is not our intention, here are examples:
0.5b - This exciting number tells us: "This project is going places. We've met half our goals, and the software hasn't resulted in any deaths yet. Wear full protective gear and let us know if the software unexpectedly commits manslaughter."
0.9RC1 - Holy fuck. Shit is about to get real up in this codebase. At this point, no jury would convict you if you said: "Using this software might not be the biggest mistake you make this week." But be cautious taking this step: if software Terms of Use were like relationships, this is like getting engaged. And we've been hurt before.
1.0 - You are one balls-to-the-wall motherfucker, aren't you? If RC status (release candidate) is getting engaged, then 1.0 is where we skip right to the part where you find out who we truly are: the worst ex-wives you will ever have. You do realize that we have now reached the point where we can sue you over color choices, right?
Now, as you can see, software users in the real world exhibit what some might call completely irrational expectations. But a sharper observer will see more clearly: we're perfectly supportive of projects, but anything bearing a 1.0 now becomes a product, and people who make products don't get to make excuses.
If you're not entirely comfortable justifying the state of your software's feature completion, or the future development schedule, to angry, armed mobs, it is strongly advised you continue working as a project.
Recall the golden rule of anyone providing a product to the public: The customer is always right. Remember that when the armed mob starts questioning the validity of your so-called 1.0 software. The angry mob is always right.
Ah... Jolicloud. Yes, Come In. We Were Just Talking About You.
Sit down, Jolicloud. It seems we've had a miscommunication.
Now, before we put you on the defensive, I'd like to point out that you've basically been lying to us for half a year. We don't want to hear you say that your staff watches GetSatisfaction and replies to every issue. We, the public, have news for you: we've infiltrated GetSatisfaction and tested your attentiveness to user complaints. You really have nothing to be proud of there.
Somebody call Fedora in here, we might as well only make this speech just the once.
Jolicloud, we know you're new, so we'll start with what you should be focusing on at this point: usage cases. Unless you're going to put a quiz in the pre-installation process instructing users to avoid your operating system for anything more involved than Facebook and Last.fm, you need to face facts and call yourself 0.7 or something. Jolicloud is unfit for anybody who uses a computer for more than social networking, and you know it. If your GetSatisfaction turn-around time for acknowledged, productivity-related failings is any indicator, you should just go with the pre-installation warnings.
Fedora... now, you're the real disappointment in this room. You've coasted on reputation for, what, half a decade now? Cutting to the chase: We're willing to bet that there's a higher percentage of Microsoft employees using Windows at work and home, than there are Red Hat employees using Fedora. We make that assumption because for a very long time now, your operating system has often been... you might want to brace yourself...
Un fucking operable on many kinds of standard computer parts, right out of the box.
We expect this is news to you, but that's only because you keep shipping OSs that crash during the installation, leaving the machine totally un-bootable, or that don't install video drivers. This does not motivate your users, unless your goals for a user's post-install action is to uninstall your software, hate you, and blog about it. You'll notice reporting bugs is not in that list.
We know for sure: you miss-out on lots of important bug reports. After all, using your bug reporting tool is the digital equivalent of sneaking past a starved wildcat, in a dark, disused basement, to sign a petition in an opaque lock box which nobody has told you exists. Or at least it was, until you disabled the bug reporting tool because it, itself, was so unstable.
Fedora, Jolicloud, you have both violated the first condition upon which you were welcomed into Reality Land.
Frankly, if we never had to schedule time for chats like this, we could get back to more productive activities, like lambasting Ubuntu for making Pulseaudio and Empathy the default software for sound and IM respectively. But at least in those cases, a person has to actually know what they want out of a computer before it starts cracking at the seams. You two can't even get past the standards of a person who barely knows what a computer is.
Like your grandma. Who will, like the rest of us, remember your names with disappointment. And like us, she will make dick jokes about your version numbering, which invites comparisons to lying about your dick size. In public. Professionally.
Nathan Hawks is a professional bipolar person (version 0.1a) who wants everyone to think he's schizophrenic, so he can always refer to himself with the royal "we," and generally get away with more shit-talking. You can contact him at no you can't.
Copyright © Nathan Hawks. Some content may be the property of third parties; it is used in a fair use context unless otherwise noted. If you are getting this content from any site other than thenthdoctor.blogspot.com or thenthdoctor.com, please notify Nathan Hawks via nhawks (at) gmail (dot) com.
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